


The Penis Incident

by Ghostwriter (Zoya_Zalan)



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-24 15:57:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3774682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya_Zalan/pseuds/Ghostwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our beloved Jedi have a bit too much to drink at an official diplomatic reception; a round of show and tell ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Penis Incident

**Author's Note:**

> **ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS** : Many, many thanks to Master Hilary for the quick beta! Any mistakes in the final draft are entirely my own. 
> 
> **DISCLAIMER** : George Lucas owns all things Star Wars; I'm just borrowing. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Written around 2003-ish.

~ * ~ * ~

"Their noses look like penises," Qui-Gon Jinn stated, his brogue thickened from the potent royal wine.

Obi-Wan Kenobi burst out laughing, causing several small animals to scurry away through the underbrush. "Master! That's not a very nice thing to say," he scolded, still chuckling.

"It's true," Qui-Gon insisted as they staggered erratically out of the palace gardens and into the adjacent woods, each of them holding the other up slightly. "An' when the Magistrate sneezed..."

The apprentice doubled over and leaned into his master, his laughter a loud hiss as he buried the side of his face against the other man's tunics. The action prompted both of them to shift sideways abruptly where they came to rest against the trunk of a tree.

Qui-Gon grinned evilly as he recalled the incident in question. "It kind of jiggled there for a bit," he elaborated, using his free hand to mimic the movement, "an' then when he sneezed, i' lifted straight up an'.... an'...."

"Shook?"

”No..."

"Wobbled?"

"No... i' definitely..." Qui-Gon trailed off once more, making a quick rippling motion with his hand.

Humor momentarily forgotten, Obi-Wan stared at his master's hand, his face scrunched up with intense concentration. "Quivered?"

"YES!!!"

Obi-Wan flinched at the older man's emphatic reaction, nearly losing his balance in the process.

"Quivered!" Qui-Gon continued, adjusting his hold Obi-Wan's shoulders so that the younger man wouldn't fall. "An then i' jerked a few times when he blew his nose... terribly funny, that..."

"I don't remember you laughing."

"Well, o' course not," Qui-Gon insisted. "I _do_ know how to b'have myself. Most o' the time. Decorum, y'know..."

Obi-Wan's eyes lit up with renewed amusement. "Ahhh, and that's why we couldn't refuse the glasses of wine offered to us for the First Minister's toast... or the seven refills that followed."

"Tha', my dear apprentice, would ha' been a serious breach o' protocol. I simply underestimated the posent... potsentcy... the _strength_ o' the beverage in question," he finished with a grand sweep of his arm through the air as if that alone would explain their predicament.

"Their noses really _did_ look like penises," Obi-Wan nodded absently, his gaze fixing on some faraway point. "I guess I didn't notice..."

"Well, I certainly did," Qui-Gon chuckled, clapping his apprentice's shoulder affectionately.

"Why?"

He turned to look at Obi-Wan, his brow furrowing in confusion. "Wha'?"

Obi-Wan blinked a few times. "Why is it that you noticed and I didn't?"

Both fell silent as alcohol-saturated brain cells tried to make sense out of the question at hand. Their bewildered gazes wandered around the night sky, the surrounding vegetation, and the moss-covered ground as the silence between them lengthened. Finally, Qui-Gon offered, "I dunno..."

"Were you jealous?" Obi-Wan grinned, teasing.

"Jealous o' their noses?"

"The _size_ of their noses," Obi-Wan corrected, his smile turning devious.

Qui-Gon snorted loudly, catching his apprentice's innuendo. "I've nothin' to be jealous about where _that's_ concerned. If ennathin', _they_ should be jealous o' me."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Their noses _were_ rather large..." Obi-Wan goaded.

"Not as large as I am."

"Prove it."

Qui-Gon's eyebrows rose at the challenge. "A'right," he declared, reaching under his tunics. Obi-Wan watched in amused silence as his master undid his trousers and pulled them down. With unparalleled tact, the older man then grabbed the flaps of his tunics and yanked them out of the way, baring his genitals to the inquiring gaze of his companion. "See?"

Steadying himself against the tree with one arm, the apprentice leaned down for a closer look. "Well, I suppose you have an argument there." Qui-Gon looked smug. "But on the whole, I'd have to say you're not as large as I thought you'd be."

The smile disappeared. "Whaddya mean by that?"

"Well, I'm about as big as you," Obi-Wan began, undoing his own trousers. He pushed them down his legs with some difficulty as he fought to stay upright and then wrapped the bottom of his tunics up into his utility belt, leaving his penis free to the night air and the searing scrutiny of his master. "I guess we'd both be a match for their noses," he finished, chuckling at the dance his member did when he wiggled his hips.

"You're not _quite_ as big as me!"

"No," Obi-Wan shot back, a wicked gleam in his eyes, "but most _large_ penises don't get much larger when in a state of arousal. I'm probably superior to you in that department."

Looking entirely affronted, Qui-Gon reached down and began fondling the column of flesh between his legs. It responded sluggishly, much to his chagrin.

Obi-Wan smirked at the silent challenge. He followed suit, gently stretching and squeezing his penis until it began to firm under his careful ministrations. Seeing how easy this exercise was for his apprentice, Qui-Gon stepped up his effort, using the rhythmic movements of the younger man's hand as inspiration.

It wasn't long before both men were breathing heavily, the muffled sounds of their activities floating through the air. The elder Jedi laughed triumphantly as he finally achieved full erection, his eyes going back and forth between his penis and his apprentice's. The speed of Obi-Wan's pumping increased as he tried to match the other's length.

"Oh, no," Qui-Gon objected. "That's not going t'do enna good. Come here; let's have a look."

Obediently, the younger man slowed his hand and took a step forward. Qui-Gon cupped his shoulder and pulled him close, aligning their penises side by side for proper determination. The victor was clear, by close to half an inch.

Obi-Wan slowly glanced up at his master. "I guess you win," he admitted somewhat reluctantly. Qui-Gon grinned broadly.

The atmosphere changed subtly as they continued to look at one another. Pupils dilated further and two thoroughly different expressions smoothed out until each man's face wore the same curious amazement.

In the distance, a nocturnal bird cooed softly. Entranced, Qui-Gon leaned forward. Obi-Wan did the same, his eyes wide with wonder and arousal. Their lips hovered in anticipation, kept apart by the gentle, drunken sway of their bodies as they concentrated intently on their task.

"Obi-Wan."

"Yes?" he whispered, trying for the umpteenth time to zero in on his master's lips.

"I want to kiss you..."

"Yes!" The whisper was louder this time, pleading.

"Can you please stand still?"

"I'm not moving. You are."

Qui-Gon blinked in confusion as he considered his apprentice's words. Setting aside the chance to debate the issue further, he reached out with both large hands, wrapping them around his willing target and pulling him close. Their lips finally collided and locked together, sloppily but eagerly. Hands and mouths worked feverishly, mapping previously uncharted contours with a combination of zeal and clumsiness managed only in a state of inebriation. Neglected penises squirmed against one another, screaming silently for release...

One step was all it took.

Overcompensating for what he perceived was a loss of balance, Obi-Wan shuffled one leg back slightly. His boot slipped on an exposed tree root, knocking his foot out from under him and shifting their collective center of gravity completely off kilter. Two sets of eyes flew open as they began to fall, both of them trying in vain to right themselves.

With a resounding thud accompanied by a duet of surprised groans, master and apprentice found themselves tangled on the ground. Pain lanced through the younger man's body, his arousal deflating instantly.

"Master!" Obi-Wan choked out.

Moving far more quickly than he should have been able to in his condition, Qui-Gon slid off his apprentice's form. One of his hands automatically went to Obi-Wan's chest where he sent soothing currents to diffuse the pain and help the younger man get his wind back. "Padawan?" he murmured, his head beginning to clear from the warm daze of alcohol.

Obi-Wan took several deep, shaky breaths before his hand raised to rest on top of his master's. "I'm okay."

Qui-Gon grasped the other's fingers, chuckling softly. "Do you think the Force is tryin' to tell us something?"

A quiet hiss of laughter escaped Obi-Wan as well. "Yes — we shouldn't have had anything to drink at the reception and you definitely _weigh_ more than I do."

Their amusement echoed through the gardens as Qui-Gon wrapped his arm around the younger man and pulled him closer. "Perhaps we shouldn't have been kissing," he speculated.

"No," Obi-Wan countered adamantly. "That could never be wrong..."

Blue eyes twinkled. "I believe you're right."

"Kiss me again?"

"At least I know you won't be movin' this time."

Obi-Wan looked exasperated. "I was not moving!"

"Hmmhmm." Qui-Gon descended once more, finding his target on the first try. The kiss was slow and sweet this time, the awkward rush completely gone. Fingers began to wander again, teasing with gentle touches until both men were panting with desire. Rolling onto his side, Obi-Wan pressed his renewed arousal against his master's groin, beginning a rhythm that quickly brought both men to the verge of ecstasy...

Their hips slowed suddenly, their kiss dissolving into frustrated separation as the lovers sensed the same peculiar current in the Force that surrounded them. Both men glanced off to the side where a large, furry rodent sat staring at them.

It didn't move.

Sighing quietly, Obi-Wan said, "I think the Force _is_ trying to tell us something, Master."

"Yes," Qui-Gon chuckled, turning his padawan's head back toward him. "It's tellin' us to get a room." Pointedly ignoring their captive audience, he swallowed the younger Jedi's laughter in another passionate kiss.

~ * ~ finis ~ *


End file.
